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Pain.
Monday, July 2, 2012 @ 8:50 AM
Have you ever once felt happy and sad at the same time? Like you're trying too hard to be happy but the feeling of sadness keeps haunting you back. The feeling of sadness craves for your attention and to be a part of your life too. It tries so hard to get a place alongside with happiness. That's how I'm feeling right now. I won't say I feel like shit because 1) it's too vague & 2) shit has no feelings. I feel so unwanted and dumb right now. I'm the cause of him being this way. I'm always the cause of every single thing that has happened. I guess I can never be a good girlfriend. I can never ever be the good one in a relationship. Maybe this is why my past relationships have failed, because I suck in relationships. I've always bothered to much about myself. Even as I post this post, all you see is first-hand person stories. All is filled with "I" and "Me". Why do I feel this way? Today is enjoyable, yes but the fact that his health is deteriorating because of me. He was fine before he was with me. He has never ever had breathing difficulties. He never ever felt stress. Ever since he's with me, all he face daily is worry, and stress. I'm always making him feel worried, feel stressed and all. I don't mean to make him feel that way. Sometimes, my ego gets a huge turn on itself and I don't care what others feel. I'm selfish. Yes, I'm sorry for that. It's because of my selfishness that he's feeling super worried and stressed that he's getting breathing difficulties which worsens his health. It breaks my heart every single time I see his hand. Everytime I see his hand, and accidentally hit it, I just feel like breaking down. My heart aches a lot every single time he talks about his surgery and what he went through. I cry a little on the inside, everytime I think about him not able to play his favourite sports ever again. I minor problems daily but him he has no worries throughout his life, but when there is, it's just one huge ball of problems thrown at him. Why do I feel sad for him? Not out of sympathy, but because I love him, and I can understand that he is hurt & sort of feel connected to his heart. I understand the pain he has gone through. Not understand physically, but mentally and emotionally. He is a brave person and I don't wish for him to go through more pain and suffer any much longer. He don't deserve all this. He's a nice guy, he has a nice heart, God do all this for a reason, yes but I know that one day, he'll be fine. One day God will stop his pain and sorrows and one day, he'll stop feeling pain. He's still young, he has to stop going through all these horrors. I strongly don't believe that he deserves all this. I'm the one who's causing all of his pains. I should totally back off. If I didn't appear in his life, none of this would've happen. If I didn't know him, none of this would have happened. Too bad we can't turn back the time. Too bad we can't do anything. I believe that God has his reasons to do all that He did. I believe that every little setbacks and challenges we face daily is for a reason; to remind us that in reality - life is suffer, we live in a world of pain, so that we can overcome all these and understand our weaknesses and face our mental barrier, so that we'll understand that no one is perfect, so that we know that everyone in this world, at one point in life, will face their own problems. I guess what's left now is for us to continue moving forward and not look behind anymore because what's done is done and nothing can be done to amend it anymore. It's either we move on together or else, we stay together. Dearest you, please stay strong and remember that no matter whatever shits we go through or whatever happens, that I'll be here for you. I'll always be. I'll send you to the doctors' when you're sick, I'll feed you if you can't, I'll hug you when you're cold, I'll be your pillow when you meed one, but remember just when you need a best friend, I'll be one. We can totally act like silly best friends or brother/sister and stuffs but deep down, you're just that one special lover I have. You should know that I'll be here for you when you need me and you can count on me like 1, 2, 3, and I'll be there.

Incomplete posts. Shall continue when I get back from s c h o o l later.